This is my site where I review and talk about what I am reading, watching and discovering. I may also throw in bits of my life and how these have impacted me. Come if you want!
http://sarahweirsbookshelf.blogspot.com/

- Instrument: I have played clarinet, piano and violin... now I don't play anything much

J
- Jewelry: earrings and rings... more the silver and white gold...
- Job: too many things... official job is office everything in the security office at school

K
- Kids: Soon!! Very soon hopefully.
-Kickboxing or Karate:  Karate... Kickboxing is effective but not as disciplined.
- Keep a journal?: Sometimes

L
- Longest Car Ride: The one I'm in at that moment... long car rides are not my friend.
- Love: My husband
- Letter:  ????
- Laughed so hard you cried:  Yes! Just this morning actually.

M
- Milk flavor:  White or Chocolate
- Movies: Action and Adventure, some drama and comedy. Movies with girls that can kick people's butt and do cool things are my favorite... yeah, I know I wish I could do that too...
- Motion sickness?:  if I don't have food in my belly and the car doesn't have good shocks, and especially if I'm in the backseat.
- McD’s or BK:   ummm... BK fries... that's about it... MCDs fries are ok if they are hot... the rest is just ok.

N
- Number of Siblings: 5
- Number of Piercings:  1 in each ear
- Number: 3, 5, 7, 25

O
- One wish:  To not be stressed and tired all the time...

P
- Perfect Pizza:  the one we had in Pompeii... oh yum!
- Pepsi/Coke:  neither... gross!

Q
- Quail: *blink*

R
- Reason to cry:  feeling misunderstood, unloved or alone
- Reality T.V.:  American Idol is the only big one we watch. Sometimes others occasionally.
- Radio Station: 94.5 WPST
- Roll your tongue in a circle? think so
- Ring size:  6-7 depending on how swollen they are

S
- Song: uhhh... I have to choose one?
- Shoe size:  6
- Salad Dressing:  Italian is my usual
- Sushi: ehhh... no thanks!
- Skipped school:  once or twice... it was really rare!! Usually only if I didn't feel good.
- Slept outside:  Camping...
- Smoked?:  gross and yuck
- Skinny dipped?:  no.........
- Shower daily?:  yes... it's a must... even when I'm home all day
- Sing well?:  ok... I haven't sung in a long time
- In the shower?:  No
- Strawberries/Blueberries: both? If I feel I need antioxidants, its usually blueberries.

T
- Time for bed:  anywhere between 10:30 and 2
- Thunderstorms:  oh yeah!!!!

U
- Unpredictable: sometimes... not with certain things

V
- Vacation spot:  Carribean, Hawaii or anyplace warm and relaxing!

W
- Weakness:  my husband
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: *blink* not really anyone I know... some parts for some friends... Abby, Emmy and sometimes Bethann
- Who makes you laugh the most: my husband
- Worst feeling: knowing you hurt someone
- Wanted to be a model?:   Look like a model, yes... be a model... only a passing thought... too much pressure
- Where do we go when we die?: I will be in heaven... the we depends on which we we be
- Worst Weather?: freezing rain and hail

X
-X-Rays: theyre ok
-Ex's:  none

Y
-Year it is now: 2008
-Yellow: no

Z
- Zoo animal:  Snow Leopards!!!

"On the whole, God's love for us is a much safer subject to think about than our love for Him." - C.S. Lewis

I love Lewis. He has a way of writing exactly what I'm trying to put into words. This is exactly what's been on my mind for the past couple months. God's love is safer to think about because I don't think I have been loving God very well at all.

I've been doing a Bible study lately... well sort of... I'm in it but have only gone twice out of the 5 times that have met. It's very convicting. Sometimes overwhelmingly so that I just have to stop. It is called Vertically Inclined. Each week is discovering and "climbing" a different mountain. This last week was the Mount of Affection- love.

I think it scared me because I didn't do the homework and chickened out last night about going too. Then I came home and did the homework. In one part of the study there is an exercise where Self Righteous Legalism is on one side and Self Centered Emotionalism is on the other and Loyal Love is in the middle.

Self Rightous Legalism ..................... Loyal Love..................... Self-Centered Emotionalism

I thought about that last night. Self Centered Emotionalism is talking about an emotional but empty worship of God. Having a wholehearted passion but without the obedience... and Legalism, having the obedience but without passion.

Growing up I was stuck in legalism because it was all around me. And it was very self righteous. It got so that by the time I was in high school I hated it. I hated having anything to do with it. I didn't want to be a hypocrite by saying I loved and obeyed God and didn't love the people around me, or cause people more pain because of my selfishness and self righteousness. It almost caused me to throw off Christianity altogether. God knew I was hurting, though and guided me to where I could see that this wasn't Him, it was his people making bad choices and messes of their lives by thinking God wanted them this way. That was when I went to WOL.

I found God there. But in finding God and developing my relationship with Him, I grew afraid. I didn't want that hypocritical self righteous legalism. But in observing other people and the fervered emotional response some people had and the way they turned around and broke commands God specifically says not to do, I realized I didnt' want that either. It wasn't right.

Throughout this I never dealt with my emotions. My hurt and pain caused by people being self righteous and thinking they knew best. I just avoided it altogether. I avoided the people that reminded me of it. I covered it over and told myself I was better.

By this time I met Steve. As our friendship and relationship developed, he grew to be the only one that showed me that unconditional love that God gives us. I firmly believe that until we can truly see God, we only see Him through the eyes of the people around us. How could I not love Steve? He loved me even when I told him my worst secrets. When I shared my worst fears. He never moved or looked at me with the look that says "now I see you as less than". He just loved me and continues to love me. I realized then that if this is an imperfect measure of the love God has for us, how much more does God love me than Steve does? I love Steve for much more than this, but this reason is one I cherish. He gave me a gift I never thought I would have but really longed for.

After this time it grew easier to see God's love for me. It grew easier to understand it. I still have a hard time accepting and knowing it, but I can see it visibly. My problem comes in that I don't know how to love God. I didn't and don't want that self righteous legalism. I didn't and don't want that empty selfish emotionalism. So, because I didn't want either, I just kind of removed myself from that scale entirely. It was easy. I just shut down spiritually. The obvious problem with that is that while I didn't have the outer extremes, I didn't have the center love either.

But how do I get to the center of that loyal unyeilding love? Do I just seek God's love for me? Will feeling that enormous love just draw me to love Him and want to obey Him? Because that's the flip side of the coin. On one side is love and on the other side is obeying Him. You can't have or do one without the other. I've always equated obeying God with that self righteous legalism I try to avoid. Maybe that's why I can't get there... because I am afraid that in loving Him and obeying Him I will sink into that legalism. It's what I grew up with... what I am used to. One of the things I learned in counseling is that people will always fall to the patterns they grew up with in a crisis... the only way they won't is if God does a major work in their heart.

God has done a major work in my heart already. I am able to have calm discussions with Steve, rather than the emotional arguments I grew up with. I am able to share with him what I am afraid of and the patterns I see happening even though my first response is to hide as I did growing up. I am able to share my emotions with him even though it can be overwhelming at time because all growing up I didn't and there is so much bottled up from that.

Some people over the years has asked me how I am so calm. I didn't have a good answer for them. Now I know I was calm because I had to be. I couldn't share it. Growing up I learned that if I shared my emotions, it could get me in trouble. My emotions didn't matter. They weren't wanted. So, I bottled them up. The only time I was ever able to let them out was when I acted in a play or did a monologue. Then, boy did the emotions come out. It startled people. I could see it in their faces. Calm quiet Sarah.... where did that come from? If only you knew.

Now I can share the emotions I have now... but there is still the emotions I have from years and years ago... it just... leaks out... I can't hold onto them anymore... I've been crying the whole time I'm sitting here typing this. Because it's upsetting? No... just because it is there... and I am reminded of the times growing up when the emotions began... and so they come out...

Perhaps in order to love God I need to just pursue God whether I am afraid or not of the result. Perhaps I am afraid of losing myself to what God wants for me, because I struggled so long to have me and know me, struggled to be my own person and not what other people wanted for me.

Whatever the reason, I need to get to this. Not getting it is not letting me live my life as I need and want to be. It's not letting me love people as I need and want to be. I am only a shadow now. Who knew that Love was that important?

My questions are not there because I am looking for answers. Sometimes you just need to ask the questions.